Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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