My entire life is one complicated drinking game
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
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We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
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Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize