hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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