this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
