The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
i out mim tonsoeep
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