I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
