I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
