Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
