This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
