What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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