his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
