im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
