don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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