the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
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I love watching others lives come down to our level.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
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Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
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