we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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