What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
