Betty ford says i'm here all night
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
