i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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