She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
