And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
