I'm going to rape someone's good day.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
