fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
