Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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