This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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