They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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