On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Randomize
