I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
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then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
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The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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