So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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