My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
