Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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