I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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