i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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