..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
