the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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