Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
