Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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