He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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