so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
