My friends, they love my intelligence
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
