my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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