a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
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