Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Everyone says I win the strip club
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
