dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
