and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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