I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
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