It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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