I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
