I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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