My sheets look like a crime scene.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
