I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
where are you?
Hypothermia
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
