Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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