apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
