i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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