Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
