Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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