she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
