this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
