Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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