I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
