He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
